2 years!

2 years ago I was in Korea... the realization hit me hard, I can't figure out how the 2 year anniversary of bringing her home came so fast! It has been a long time since I posted but since I can't sleep I feel sappy and inspired to write here at least one more time.

I look at Sophia every day and am in awe that we have been blessed with such an amazing, bright, funny, loving little girl! She has touched my life in a way I never thought imaginable.

What I remember from Sophia's adoption journey...

I remember the decision to adopt for the 2nd time....it crept upon me and my husband quite quickly and intensely...like all of a sudden we both felt it was what we wanted...with a huge intensity that neither of us had felt since the decision to adopt Alex...counting back I realize that when Carl and I made the decision to adopt was probably about the Sophia's birthmom found out she was pregnant!!!!

I remember the time after the homestudy...thinking we would maybe have to wait a year or so for a referral...thinking I would be DONE with grad school before this happened...thinking I had it ALL PLANNED OUT...and then the realization that I was wrong when my social worker said...you are getting close to a referral....and it was the summer BEFORE my last year of grad school...and she said to me and to Carl...."you can choose to go on hold for another 6 months or so if that's what you want"....and Carl and I said "no...we'll go for it"...and we were both thinking...."Do we know what the H*** we're getting ourselves into here?"

Then I remember the call from my social worker...the CALL....everyone who has adopted knows about the CALL. Diane called me and started talking to me about a little girl and I was sitting in my yellow chair...the recliner....Carl was at work and Alex was at school and I was working on grad school stuff and all I could think was..."why is she telling me about someone ELSE'S referral?" I couldn't even begin to think that she was telling me about OUR referral!!!

I remember seeing her picture for the VERY FIRST TIME....

I remember the months AFTER the referral and BEFORE travel that were so frantic and happy and hopeful and intense and endless....I remember all of the calls to immigration and other misc. government agencies tracking my paperwork so I could fool myself into thinking I actually had some CONTROL over the process....all of the time spent on adoption Internet bulletin boards for parents waiting to travel too...those people were my virtual family and we helped each other deal with the virtual labor pains...ALL of the phone calls to friends and coworkers and family members talking about "when I might get the travel call" and now we are waiting for this form, or that form, or this paperwork to come from here or there...and NOT allowing myself to dare to hope that I could travel to bring her home by Christmas...

I remember the travel call... standing in the kitchen with my hubby and Alex...the incredible JOY I felt when our social worker Diane called and said...."this is THE call"...it took my breath away!!!!! I remember savoring that moment and enjoying the excitement and the happiness with the knowledge that there is NOTHING else quite like that feeling...and feeling very special that I was able to feel that way and experience that pure intense happiness...

I remember Carl and Alex driving me to take the bus to the airport 2 years ago and I was sobbing and Alex was sobbing and Carl was sobbing and I was so fraught with exhaustion, and excitement, and fear, and uncertainty....and I was only going to Korea for a week but I didn't want to leave Alex and Carl there...I was HEAVY with the knowledge that when I came home I would have another HUMAN with me and our lives would never be the same...

I remember being SO happy to see friendly faces at the airport in Korea and attaching myself to them when I saw them standing there with this guy who held a sign saying he was going to the Eastern guesthouse...

I remember meeting Sophia for the first time and how strange it was to think that this beautiful little girl was going to be MY daughter! And then immediately feeling the most INTENSE sadness I have felt in my life when I realized how much she LOVED her foster parents and how much pain she was going to be in when she left them in a few short days...

I remember finding out that I was going to get physical custody of Sophia one day earlier than expected...which was only the afternoon before leaving Korea to come to the U.S. but I remember going into a complete and utter PANIC thinking "what the heck am I doing....what am I going to do with her????"...and then getting on the computer at the guesthouse and emailing EVERYONE and getting some kind and loving responses that said in the most tactful way possible, "did you REALIZE you were going to Korea to get a BABY???" So then I threw myself into a taxi and went sightseeing by myself to and went shopping....LOL

I remember standing at the guesthouse with the other adoptive parents who were also getting custody of their children and we were there with the foster parents and the babies....and the director, who was this amazing man who is in his nineties was praying over all of us in Korean...and we were all sobbing...and I know I will never experience any single moment in my life again that is like that moment...

I remember Sophia's dear foster parents handing Sophia to me...and the devastated look on her face as she sobbed and called for her "omma" and I remember sobbing with her and her foster parents sobbing and thinking it wasn't fair that I was DOING THIS to this little girl and being ANGRY at the foster parents for not adopting her and putting her through this pain (I'm not saying this is rational...this was just my thought at the time)...and watching her foster dad put his arms around her foster mom and support her physically as they walked away from her....

I remember pacing the guestroom with Sophia for HOURS and HOURS as she was inconsolable...I remember the many knocks on my guestroom door as the other adoptive parents and guesthouse staff dutily checked in on me being the only solo traveler there at the time....

I remember the 12 hour flight...sitting between two business travelers and having some very UNhelpful flight attendants and trying to go to the bathroom while holding a squirmy 8 month old...pulling pants down with one and and then up again....eating nothing but granola bars on the plane...how amazingly quiet Sophia was on the plane...how somber and sad and how she looked when she was SEARCHING the faces on the plane...I know she was searching for her foster mom....I remember watching the little blip on the screen in front of me which tracked the flight across the world as the minutes CRAWLED by and being so freakin' happy to see that little blip hit North America!

I remember getting off the plane and standing in line to go through Immigration and getting the bags and then walking through to see Alex and Carl...and then being so incredibly ANGRY because he was taking a bite out of a cheeseburger when all I had to eat for the past 24 hours were a few granola bars... :)

I could go on and on but I'll stop...I don't know that there is anything else I could say that would sum it all up...so I'll just say I'm glad to have the kids I have, can't imagine having any others...they are my children and I will do my best every day to give them what they need and to be a good momma....