The Race Issue

Tonight, Alex and I were riding the train home from a day trip to Chicago when we saw a diverse family...consisting of children of multiple races. Alex asked me, "Do you think the kids at school will tease me for being a big brother?" I replied, "Do you tease your friends who have little brothers or sisters?"...Alex stated, "No...but our new baby will look a lot different than we do."

I have to admit, Carl and I have thought for a very long time a whole bunch about the next child we will bring into our family. With regards to race, we've considered the diversity of our neighborhood and schools, how accepting our families and friends will be (we've had so many words of encouragement from all of you--thank you!), and how we can increase our support systems for our future child (like through forming connections with other families, adoptive or otherwise, who are of a different race). And although we discussed extensively with Alex where we may be adopting from, we've always thought about race with concern over the future child we are adding to our home...I'm ashamed to admit I hadn't given much thought on how adopting a child of a different race will impact Alex.

I've always thought that we kind of sort of had a clue about interracial adoption because of Alex's Romani heritage. Although he is Russian, I have had many instances where people have asked me blatantly, "Is his dad Latino?" when just the two of us are out in public...of course they mean it with the best intentions, usually commenting on his beautiful brown summer skin color. This isn't really an issue, it just gives us a small taste of what it is like to be a family who everyone looks at and instantly feels the right to make a verbal observation....or question...you know, a walking banner saying, "Hey everyone, look at us, we have an adopted child here..."

Alex's concerns, and our experiences, simply emphasize the fact that adopting a child of another race is not something to be entered into lightly. Many of us make the mistake of believing that we are color blind, and that "skin color doesn't matter". And while overt racism has certainly decreased in our culture, unfortunately we still have a long way to go. If you don't believe me imagine walking into a room and being the only woman, white person, black person, older person, etc. in a room filled with "others". Are you accepted in this group of others? Even if no one says anything cruel or hateful, do you feel like you fit in? Okay, now imagine you are an adopted minority child and you don't look like anyone else in your class...and you don't even look like your family. You sometimes (or often) have these feelings of not fitting in, but when you try to explain that to your family they say, "Oh honey, we think you're beautiful...skin color doesn't mean a thing to us...etc". Does that validate your experience, or does it make you think your parents just don't get it...so why should you talk to them about your feelings?

As Alex and I continued our conversation a little more, I acknowledged that kids might tease him about how his new brother or sister may look different, etc., or that they may just be very curious and ask lots of questions. I told him that might be kind of tough to deal with. Alex agreed...but then went on to talk about how much fun it was going to be to have a little brother or sister (okay, here I realize he is probably going to not think it is so great when it actually happens but let me be blissfully ignorant for now, please? :) ) Pretty much on his own, Alex came up with some good responses to cruel comments some kids might make. He also made me proud when he said it was his job as a big brother to help out "little sis" if she gets teased.

I've rambled on enough about this now...I guess my whole point in writing it is to alleviate any potential concerns anyone might have about our next adoption...and to assure them that we take the whole thing very seriously. Thanks for reading.